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Have been hiding from life lately.  Not really talking to anyone or reaching out.  I think that it has been helpful but very lonely.  Have started a weight loss group at work.  We kind of use the point system and support each other with ideas for food and loosing weight.  We have been doing this for about 2 weeks and it is fun.  I am at least getting to know people at work.

Trying to organize the house.  E cleaned his studio and set-up a table for me to sew.  He is really trying to get me to stay! He still does not have a full-time job but he is working at a convenience store part time and collecting unemployment.  He wants to become a drivng instructor so we will see if he follow through.  The boys dad continues to flake on child support.  As soon as I am going to file, he has someone get me the money.  This month he sends me a text.  A fucking TEXT to tell me that "they are broke."  Dude I am standing in below zero weather with no car and having to move into a 2 bedroom apartment and you are broke!  He has plans on paying off some debt that should help for the future.  I texted him back to say that is fine but nothing with change "the boys are not a priority in his life."  His support check should be the first check he writes. So he responds saying that he borrowed the money from someone and I will get a check.  Whatever. 

It was really nice to have S back from college - he turned 18 yesterday and in my self pity state I actually forgot!  In my defense we had celebrated his birthday on Saturday before he left.  Still, that was a wake up call of how selfish I have been!

I had pajama movie night with L and her new doll - Isabella.  We watched Resident Evil 2 (Oded Fehr doesn't die so I like it).  It was nice to just hang out.  C watch Religiculos (SP?) the Bill Maher movie about religion in the next room and he would laugh and say "Mom, did you know..." I love when he does that.

Need to take some time to work on homework and organize me - what I want over the next few months and put some of it into action.  Hope everyone is well and know that I have been thinking of you all!
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
05 September 2008 @ 08:13 am
Leaving work early today to go see my dad.  He lives in New Hampshire so I am taking all the kids (mine and my brothers) up this afternoon so that they can see Grandpa.  Will probably stay the weekend but am sad it is going to rain.  I was really looking forward to walking in the woods and sleeping under the stars (dad lives in the woods).  But we shall see what the weather brings.  Just glad he is ok and we are getting away for the weekend.

Things are starting to feel a little settled now that S is at school and dad is at home.  L and C are adjusting to school but I need to create some schedules for chores and homework and yoga and going to the gym.  Money is still tight but I can't find a second job so will just have to deal for now.  The kids still need supplies and gym clothes so will have to get those this weekend and go food shopping.  It just doesn't end but at least there is some good going on!
Current Location: work
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
04 September 2008 @ 12:24 pm
My dad was released from the hospital yesterday and is home now with my brother.  He seems to be doing well, the hospital decided to try medications first and then evaluate him in a week or so.  I really hope that he quits smoking!  He has clogged arteries in more than his heart which is why they want to try medication first.

On another note, I continue to try to find another job and hope that now that summer vacations are over, companies will start interviewing.  I have redone my resume and put it out on Monster and have had some placement agencies respond.  The agencies have sent my resume to two places so far.  I am also trying to find an apartment that I can afford alone but that has not been easy!

The kids are doing ok.  L had a hard day yesterday because we were 2 minutes late for school.  She was afraid she would get in trouble so she started to have a stomach ache and cried.  I told her she would not get in trouble but it did not help.  She literally stood outside her classroom for 15 minutes not moving.  I tried to push her into the class, threatened to punish her, had the teacher talk to her and she still just stood there!  In my frustration I grabbed her and took her out of the school.  I am not proud of myself but I was tired and angry.  I ranted at her for about 5 minute on how mad I was at her and she just sat in the car and cried.  I am still not sure what happened or why but I did tell her that I was sorry to treat her badly but she has to go to school even if she is scared.

I am going to try some relaxation stuff with her but she doesn't talk about her feelings so I am not sure how to help. I really need to be a better mom to her. She needs me to help her find a way to express herself but I don't know where to start.

I am hoping that soon I can take a weekend to myself to recharge, not sure I can handle much more emotional stuff.
Current Location: work
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Why can't I - Liz Phair
01 September 2008 @ 05:54 pm
Just got back from New Hampshire.   My dad had a heartattack on Friday and my brother and I went up to see him Saturday morning. Because he had a mild heartattack on the weekend, they are keeping him stable until Tuesday when then will decide what kind of surgery to do on him.  It was so hard to see him be so frail and weak.  This is the guy that I was so afraid of during my childhood because he was over six feet and about 280 lbs with a booming voice and there he as lying in bed, thin, pale and not able to do anything.  He kept trying to put a brave face on and asking us how we were!  He smokes WAY to much and has had other surgeries before but this really scared him, which scared me.

My brother and I went to his house to clean (my dad smokes inside!) and three of my dad's neighbors came by to help.  My dad is the guy that everyone to turns to for help and asks for nothing in return.  His neighbors wanted to pay him back so they helped us clean his house.  It is amazing to me to see my dad through other peoples eyes.  I have thought he was grumpy and reluctant to help others (that's what he always said) yet these people love him and are so grateful for him.  I am grateful that he has this group of people around him.

My kids start school tomorrow and I am not sure that I can take time off so I came home.  I am so conflicted because tomorrow they take my dad to have a test to determine how blocked his arteries are and decide what kind of surgery to do on him. I really want to be there but it is L's first day of middle school and I want to be there to.  My brother is going back up to NH to be with our dad tomorrow so I will find out what the doctors are planning.  Right now I need to wait to make plans but I had not having a plan.

Anyway need to get the kids ready for school.
Current Mood: scaredscared
28 August 2008 @ 12:57 pm
I find that I really need to either accept who I am or become someone else.  I want to be this strong confident person who does not need anyones approval and yet I continue to need acceptance from others. 

Getting S to school was so costly financially and I had to accept help from family and I feel like a failure, I should have been able to pay for all this.  But no, I take a low paying job because it would allow me to be home with the kids and especially C as he deals with his self esteem issues.  Now, I can't afford to move or even take my kids to the movies.  So I am looking for another job that will pay more but require more hours and C is starting school again which is always hard on  him.  He struggles to fit in socially and has trouble following what happens in class sometimes.  So will I be able to be home to help him unwind and get his school work done?  I don't know.  He is already beating himself up because he says he was just lazy last year when his grades were low.

I have dealt with his learning issues for years and I know that he was not lazy, he has trouble concentrating and making connections on facts so he gets frustrated and his self esteem plummets and then he doesn't want to try anymore.  All through his education i have been told that he does not have problems, or that it is ADHD and someone else has to help him.  Being the only one who take him to doctors appointments, fight with him to see therapists, fighting with his brother to stop picking on him etc., made it hard for me to fight for him when he needed it.  Moments like this I really hate his dad. I am hoping that this year will be different.  He seems more mature and I am trying to give him support.

L is nervous and not really interested in learning.  I am going to have to be harder on her this year when it comes to quality of homework and everything.  Her dad tries to help her but gets frustrated and walks away, C tries to help her but he expects her to react like a high school student and not a little girl.  I am going to try to create a schedule to help her this year.  Also with exercise because all of us need to get healthy.

I am just so tired, of figuring out how to help them grow to be strong healthy people, pay the bills, do scheduling and somehow become the person I am supposed to be.  Ah well, they didn't ask to be born so its not their fault that they have a mom that can't do what they need!
Current Mood: numbnumb
27 August 2008 @ 10:54 am
Took yesterday off to meet with 3 personnel agencies to try to find a new job.  I love the people here but the pay is just not enough for us to survive.  It went well for the most part.  One of the agencies had 3 positions they thought I qualified for and reformated my resume so that it would flow better. I realized that I sold myself short when I applied for this position by thinking that I do not have skills to work at a higher level (right now I am in an entry level position) so I am aiming for more of an Office Management or Executive Assistant position for the next one. 

S seems to be doing well at school.  Today is his first day of classes and I will text him later to see how things are.  C and L are getting ready for school next week.  C is scared but excited because he is actually getting his summer work done BEFORE being told to.  He also asked me to buy him this book called "The world without us" while we waiting in the airport and he has not put it down since.  Now, this is a child who I have had to fight with to read because he would get confused and forget what he read.  For years I tried to work with his school to get help in how to help him remember what he had just read.  Never got the help but I did start to have him read comic books, Calvin and Hobbs and Manga.  These were small enough for him to remember and then I would ask about it.  Now he is actually taking an interest in subjects and then he tells me what he is learning.  I am so happy on these days because I have always been so afraid that I did not fight enough for him.

Some moments in life are so special.
Current Location: work
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Green Day - When September Ends
25 August 2008 @ 02:38 pm
Left for Indiana with S and C on Thursday.  Spent 12 hours on 3 different planes and an hour and a half drive to the hotel.  Friday morning we went to the college for new student orientation.  I was a good mom and did not cry, but did have a hard time when we moved his stuff into his dorm room.  Spent Friday at orientations and met with S advisor.  Poor C was bored most of the day and had a hard time with how bubbly and happy everyone was.  The school is very crunchy granola and socially active which I think is great.  S met his roommate who lives only a couple of hours from the school.  Went to Walmart to pick up supplies, opened a bank account for S and then had dinner with in the dinning hall.

C and I went to lunch at White Castle (really bad food) bur C thought it was fun because it was like "Harold and Kumar".  We decided we had to take S to White Castle before we left.  Not sure if being there was motivating for C to want to go to college but I think it was good for him to say goodbye to his brother.  Flew out on Saturday and got home about midnight.  Slept in late and when I got up I realized that this was the first day at home without S.  It was hard.  I keep waiting for him to come home. 

While we were gone L decided to move into S room because she missed him.  I had to break the news to her that the room was for C because he had the smallest room.  She was not happy about it but her bedroom is HUGE - just messy so she has no room.  I realized that she has her bedroom and stuff in the living room, dining room and then S room!  It was kind of funny.

I found it interesting that I really miss S but I know he is such a good school and is going to have a great chance to learn new things.  I never went to college so I have no perspective on what  he is going through.  I actually did not cry until I was at the airport and realized that when i got home, S wasn't going to be in his room.  But that only lasted a few minutes.

I am looking forward to the changes that will happen with C now that he is the oldest child.  No longer in his brothers shadow and now will need to have additional responsibilities. New phase
19 August 2008 @ 02:01 pm
As I sit in work I realize that in 2 days my son S will be in Indiana for the begining of the next phase of his life.  I am excited to take him there and drop him off.  We have done the clothes shopping, still need to pack, I have booked the hotel, my dad gave us money for the rental car and food, my mom paid the remaining portion of S tuition.  Still need to book a car, pack, get a ride to the airport and become an unemotional mom!

This process has taught me that I have an amazing group of people in my life.  Although I strongly disagree with my mom on a lot of things, she obviously wants what is best for me and the kids.  Her and my dad's willingness to be financially helpful has relieved such a burden for me.  S dad has been useless in assisting in this move and E has really bad credit so he has not been able to help.  of course, I feel guilty that I am not able to pay for all this but I try to remind myself that I was not supposed to - S has a dad and other family.

On another note L and C start school in less than 2 weeks and I think that it will be interesting for them both.  C will be in the high school without his brother and L is starting middle school.  L is very scared because she is going to have to a stricter environment than the elementary school.  I think that she will be fine but she is not willing to work very hard at school.  Need to help her realize that work is a part of life and that it is important to success.

I am trying not to get overwhelmed with all the stuff going on and my own emotional turmoil over my relationships but boy is it hard.  I feel like I am in a tail spin most of the time.
Current Mood: boredbored
13 August 2008 @ 10:00 pm
I am currently feeling trapped and confused.  I know that there are conversations that I need to have with people in my life but not sure how to do it.  I am financially stuck where I am not sure how to get out.  I really need a new job but having a hard time being motivated to post resumes.  One of the positions I applied for I was in such a rush it had the wrong date on it!  I need to slow down and do this right but trying to search and apply for jobs at 10 at night is not good.  The brain is fried so I am making stupid mistakes.

Otherwise things are o.k.  Trying to find a new place to live that I can afford, getting S ready but need to do some more, go by clothes, make sure that we have enough suitcases, etc.  So tired when I get home that I just can't deal.  I really want someone else to come and fix things while I sit on a beach and drink!  I know whine, whine whine, I feel like all I do is complain and don't always do what I need to, just tired of being the one to do everything!

Sort of my own fault since I don't demand anything from signifcant other or children.  Really need to work on that. 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
11 August 2008 @ 07:18 pm
Feeling better about myself - thanks to all my friends!  Hoping to see N tomorrow, he is back from Vermont.  I also need to take S to get a Mass ID for school, get him some clothes, etc.  Can't believe that in a little over a week my baby is going away.  I talk about it alot but it is such a sad/happy moment in a parents life.  I have raised him, fought with him, punished him, watched him grow and now it is his turn to make his way in the world.  I know that I will still see him and he will be coming him for the holidays, but this that beginning of the end.  It feels so fast.

I continue to look for another job, the kids school is hiring an admin so I am going to apply there.  I have been looking for a new place, can't move until April but want to check out prices etc.  Yesterday had a big scare with L falling down the steps and cutting her head (she is fine) it was such a scary feeling to try and find where the blood was coming from while she cried.  Typical to head wounds it was small but bled a lot. 

C is sitting playing video games again.  Can't wait for school to start so he can get out of the house.  My mom told us about a cooking program in Boston for kids but he says he doesn't want to go.  NOt sure what is going on with him but he does nothing to get out of the house.  I am often worried. 

Well need to get L into the tub.
Current Mood: contentcontent